


Land of Wind and Shame

by DickDimension



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, written while intoxicated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-17
Updated: 2014-03-16
Packaged: 2018-01-16 00:53:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1325626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DickDimension/pseuds/DickDimension
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A few short crack fics.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dark Carnival

John couldn’t believe his eyes. He was enveloped in a literal circusland, surrounded by impclowns and floating circus decorations. Wait-- was this really happening? He couldn’t remember how he’d gotten here. He must have been transported to some weird planet in Sburb.

“Welcome!” boomed a strange, slow, drugged-sounding voice. John looked over to the source. A troll stood in a spotlight, decked out in fine ringmaster’s regalia.

“I am Ringmaster Makara,” the troll announced. “Welcome to my Dark Carnival!”

“Whoa!” exclaimed John. “I don’t think this is my jam. I’m just going to head back to The Land of Wind and Shade, ok?”

More like The Land of Wind and _Shame_ considering how much time John spent yanking the sausage thinking about his best no homo bro. But really, as tall and intimidating as this troll was, he couldn’t get his mind off Dave.

The enormous troll slowly began to pull his pants down while juggling like ten jugglesticks, revealing an equally enormous tentabulge. “Come on and get up at the carnival games with me, little wiggler!”

“N--no!” John squeaked, thoroughly frightened by the dark clown’s dick. 

“Perhaps I can convince you… with a GAME OF CHANCE?!” Gamzee cried. The sky darkened around him as he spoke, and the carnival became a whirlwind of light and color. 

John covered his eyes.

When all settled, John finally took his hand from his face and opened his eyes. Before him, a game lie in wait.

“Step right up…” Gamzee said, “and play.”

John stepped up to the booth. He couldn’t believe his eyes. The dick was still there. John reached into his own pants to readjust his didck. He was a grower, not a shower, so there was so much going on, y’know?

Gamzee Didn’t know. But that’s alright. This was a game of chance, not understanding. Understanding wasn’t chill. GAMES were chill.

The dice were cast, the dicks were out. The wheel spun, and the cards were laid flat. Some other game stuff happened, probably. When all was said and done, John was on his back, with a huge troll bulge up his ass while he screamed in terror and arousal. The rules seemed to make so much sense when they were playing, but he wasn’t sure how it ended up this way.

Afterwards, John lay on the ground elated, drooling and leaking purple clown come from his abused asshole. Ringmaster Gamzee was nowhere to be found, but John would cherish this memory forever. In every prank, in every jest… he would remember.

This was the way…

of the Dark Carnival.

THE END


	2. Fap-Memory-Bank

Jake squeezed his dick so hard that pain shot through his entire body. His cock was small, but supremely sensitive. If he hadn’t been so distracted…maybe it would have grown and hardened, but his mind was elsewhere, and so soft it remained. Just, limp there. It felt good, but… meh. He just wasn’t into it tonight.

If only there were something to get him in the mood…

He went through his fap-memory-bank, trying to conjure up a boner-worthy image. It seemed, however, that nothing would suffice, tonight. His dick stayed limp as a dank stalk of broccoli on his lap. 

Then-- finally-- it hit him. His eyes widened in wonder. His cock sprung to taut attention, thanks to that thought…

_Karkat._

Let’s be honest; Jake always had a thing for the exotic. [] from Avatar had been the most prominent example, but by no means the only one. Karkat lacked breasts, sure, but his cynical demeanor that never died, his perfectly sculpted chest, his self confidence…

Karkat could never be Jake and wasn’t sure if he wanted to be. But he sure as fuck wanted to fuck him. And at that moment, it just so happened that Karkat also lay awake, thinking of material to fap to. But like Jake, nothing came to mind, until…

_Jake._

Almost. Half hard?

_Jake AND Dirk._

There it is.

Two human males pailing-- that was the ticket. The ticket to engorged bulgeville.

Karkat sighed in shame. Am I really doing this? he thought to himself. Am I really jerking off to the thought of these two shitwinded twins? Well okay. Maybe they weren’t twins, but they looked alike enough.

Alike enough to fuel Karkat’s secret, forbidden, human incest fantasy.

He’d only ever seen it in fanfiction before: sordid tales about a disputed alien race and their kin, fucking with shameful, regretful abandon.

His shameglobes twitched at the thought.

THE EnND


	3. Chill Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose/Cronus

A chill wind blew across the countryside. The kind of chill wind that makes you feel cold all the way to your bones, instead of just on your skin. That kind of chill wind. A chill wind that makes it seem kind of darker than it actually was, and it was actually pretty dark, so it seemed very, very dark, because of the chill wind. Rose knew that kind of darkness well. Because she was grimdark.

“Fuck this wind,” Rose muttered, as she pulled her grimdark tentacle dress cloak tighter around her shivering frame. It was freezing out here; where could a girl find some warmth?

“Hey girl,” crooned a smooth, soft, douchebaggy voice. 

“Um, hello?” Rose answered, stepping through the fog towards the voice. A troll was there.

“Sup babe,” said the troll, “I’m Cronus.”

“That is the worse pick up line I’ve heard in my entire life,” commented Rose.

“Hey, I’m trying, alright! Don’t you dare hold it against me that I wasn’t socialized as a /human/ female. That’s speciesism on top of sexism if I ever saw it.”

“Well why don’t you try again? Maybe I could give you some pointers?”

“Uh, okay. How do you think I should start then?”

“First you must comment on the hopelessness of existence. This is key to understanding human mating rituals.”

“So, like...” Cronus seemed confused.

“For example, ‘it sure is dark and cold out here, just like life in general.’ Then you must follow up with a superficial compliment on your potential mate’s clothing. This is even more key than the other thing is.”

“Uh…” Cronus muttered. “Um, you look hot? Hot, like, uh, the green sun?”

Rose frowned. 

“What?” Cronus barked. “Whatever. I’m leaving.”

“No,” Rose interjected, and reached out to grab his arm. “There’s still hope for you. Let’s try this again.”

Cronus rolled his blank white eyes. “Whatever,” he said. “You’re like Kankri.”

“Who’s Kankri?” Rose asked. “Well, no matter. Here, let’s try this. Repeat after me: I want you to suck my dick like a whore.”

“I want… to suck you dick.” Inhale. Then exhale, with the words, heavy and embarrasing and forced out, “like a whore.” It made him feel so much more human.

Rose placed a hand on his shoulder and stared into his eyes, pupils dilated. “That was very good. You are assimilating to our culture so fast, I can hardly believe it.” Normally, this would have been a lie, but in her extremely intoxication and corrupt state, it sounded true.

Rose knelt down in front of Cronus and pulled out his silicone human phallus, taking it into her mouth.

“Oh fuck that worked!” Cronus explaimed.

“Of course it did,” Rose mumbled, continuing to suck vigorously. “Now take me in a humanly fashion!” She lay down on her back and lifted her dress to reveal a black abyss.

“Is that what a normal human nook looks like?”

“Oh yes. It is very normal.” Cronus was pulled into the black hole, stretched and pulled apart by gravitational forces.

Rose smiled. “Troll sure are weird.”

THE END?


End file.
